Insight
by Sandpiper
Summary: Vaughn and Sydney gain some insight on themselves, the lives they thought they wanted, and the lives they have. Set roughly after Counteragent.
1. Vaughn

Chauvinist

I never considered myself to be one. Sure, back in high school I played macho around my friends while keeping the respectful side of me a secret that I only showed to my girlfriend when no one else was in sight. However that didn't make me a chauvinist, just typical teenage boy. 

When I became an adult I grew out of all of that, except for my tendency toward blondes. I would never turn a woman down because she wasn't blonde, it just worked out that the relationships I had that lasted were with blondes. I always figured that it was just a matter of coincidence.

There weren't professions that I considered appropriate only for men, I didn't want my wife or my girlfriend to be the ideal 50's homemaker, and I didn't require that the women in my life be......simpler, I guess is the right word, than myself. It just always worked out that I was the one who's life was more complicated. Most colleagues of mine would say that's perfectly normal, ideal even. Even today, at the CIA there is a boys club feeling. It's an unspoken code of etiquette that your professional and private life should be strictly off limits to each other. You do your job according to orders and protocol, and at home you create normalcy for yourself in order to keep your sanity. It was what I was accustomed to growing up. My mother was senior partner in a law firm from the time I was five until I was twenty, but she was the real one, the normal one, the average everyday person. My father however was the one that I idealized. There was a definite side of him that was for the CIA and a definite side of him that was for his family. 

I thought that was what I wanted to be. I thought that was the type of life I wanted. Until Sydney Bristow walked into my life.

The first impression I got from her was that her skills, her intellect, her strength, were all far superior to my own. About the only way I out ranked her was in title, but even then her double agent status made her far more important to the agency. 

As I worked with her more, I soon discovered that she wasn't actually as tough as she seemed. Beneath her hard exterior was a shattered and venerable person whose life had been thrown into such a turmoil that she hardly even knew who she was anymore. This amazing and complicated person that was Sydney Bristow fascinated me more than anyone I had ever met in my entire life. I found myself feeling the torture that she lived with everyday of her life, and my heart breaking during the times when I that there was nothing more I could do to take away her pain. She made me want to change the world so that she would never be hurt again, she made me want to break free of the ridged company man that I had become over the years, she made me want to stand up for what I thought was right instead of what I was told to do, she made me want to be better basically.

I cannot help but smile at the irony. I never considered myself to be a chauvinist, but became one without even realizing it. And the woman that I fell for worse than any other, is the last one I would have expected.


	2. Sydney

Okay here's Sydney's POV. This is it after this. It was mean to be just a couple vignettes that explored the characters. I was thrilled with all the good response I got to the one from Vaughn's POV, thank you everyone. Some of you may disagree with my theories on Sydney, but please just review, please!

Isn't it funny how things turn out?

Always figured I'd be happy the day I saw Arvin Sloane dead for what he did to Danny and to me. It's what I thought I wanted, but when I returned to SD-6 that first day thinking he was dead I felt tainted with the knowledge that I had done murder. Well it turns out I hadn't, I had actually gotten Sloane closer to the man who would help his shaky position at the Alliance. 

Who knew? Not me that's for damn sure.

Now there's nothing I can do other than live with the knowledge that I was willing to kill. Not as part of my job, not for the good of my country.........................for myself, for personal reasons. Vaughn had come a big part of my life, a part I didn't want to lose......couldn't lose. Do I love him? More than likely.

Again, who knew? I shut him out at first. After losing Danny I didn't want to get close to anyone else. I wanted to seal off a part of my heart so that I would never again have to feel the pain of having that part ripped to pieces. However as we worked together I came to rely on him. He became my friend, my confidant, my trust, and eventually I couldn't see my life without him. 

Story of my entire existence, something that I never wanted in the first place becoming something I cannot see myself without. I've said several times how much I want out of this life, but could I ever leave absolutely everything behind? I'm not so sure anymore.

My mother was who I always wanted to be. Laura that is not Irina. Irina is my mother, I can't deny that anymore, but I don't know who she is. The mother I knew as a child was down to earth, confidant and self assured. She knew exactly who she was and did not need to prove her own worth, to herself or anybody else. I worshiped her for that. 

Her life was the life I thought I wanted but for some reason, when I received that business card freshman year there was just something there that drew me. I cannot explain it but it's still there even today, even after all I've been through there's something about this life that has become a part of me. A certain feeling that I never knew I craved. Like an addiction almost. 

The question is will it be something I can live with or will it eventually be my destruction? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it could go either way and up until recently I was hardly aware of this even myself.

Who knew?

The I walked in to the CIA I was looking for revenge on the man who killed my fiancé, I never expected to find so much more. I now realize why I didn't feel right about killing Sloane, because I'm not just out for revenge anymore now I actually want justice. I found purpose in what I was working toward, the truth about my family and my past, a man who, in spite of all the obstacles against us, I was somehow meant to love, and in a twisted way......myself.

Isn't it funny how things turn out?


End file.
